I came across a blog recently that just baffles me (ironically the same day that I came across this blog of surprising responses defending women who have remained virgins). Call me the pious religious leader, I get it. And those who knew me when I was a hormone driven teenager will probably stamp the word "hypocrite" upon my face. I get that too (although it kinda supposes one can never change their mind).
But I felt I wanted to respond to this. It was so outrageous my first thought was this cannot be real. The blog outlines why one should sleep with a man on their first date. And it outlines the reasons. It boils down to this: time and good sex. But we'll look at each one individually. Then in the spirit of the other blog I read, we'll offer some responses.
First let's start with the initial claim that kind of preluded this: I’m here to tell you to ignore what everyone says and go ahead and bang him on the first date. How do I know? Well, nearly all my long-term relationships have stemmed from giving it up on date one – including my now husband.
So when I say that my long term relationships, including my wife, did not involve giving it up on the first date does that automatically negate the whole thing, since the whole bit of advice is built upon that history? No, but it begins to show also a problem in the logic here. Listen to me because this is what I did. Well, for one, guys like me can say it ain't the only way to have a lasting relationship. But likewise, we should ask ourselves if giving it up on the first date is what made those relationships last. I'm not sure I'd say her arguments make that case, but you judge for yourself.
Sexually Compatible
Here now she claims that a good lay is hard to find. Let's pause for a moment. First off, this is actually one of the problems that promiscuity proposes to relationships, it encourages creating hierarchical relationships. This is one of the gifts of sexually waiting towards marriage, it prevents one from making their sexual encounters into a "how do I rank with the next person". And let's be frank, men don't enjoy that. Think of every movie/show where a man sleeps with a woman who he knows has had sex before (and especially if he hasn't or clearly has had less), there is this constant wondering "how did I do?" How did I rate? It comes off as funny on tv, but no man really wants to have to worry and ask that question. Bottom line, one partner may not guarantee it is great, but it cuts comparisons right from it.
Here's the other issue, the claim she makes is particularly that this will let you know if they are into any weird fetishes that you should avoid immediately. But the hard truth is it assumes all weird fetishes will be learned on the first lay. While I suppose you could claim they might, the likelihood is hardly in your favor, especially if the fetish is in any way abnormal. As I recently discussed in a different post about not being good enough, relationships are a prime place where we cover up for some time our "imperfections" out of fear of being judged not good enough. Going into sex the first date guarantees you'll learn their sexual imperfections about as much as going to dinner the first date will reveal all their sloppy eating habits.
One more thought here: to judge sexual compatibility on one night is also foolish. As if things don't fire on all cylinders you should move on to find someone else, don't waste your time there. Here we come back to the time issue, but you probably are wasting more time and may be having more bad sexual encounters by constantly trying out a guy and moving on to the next instead of trying to teach one, or come to learn each other better to have a good sexual partner. It's also a rather selfish approach, that minimizes sex to simply being ultimately about how much it will please me (and here doing so in terms of instant gratification).
A side note, her final comment in this section about how a bad date but good lay becomes an instant "f*ck-buddy" also undermines for me that first argument which is this is advice that will help you create a long, lasting relationship like she has with her husband. If you want that, you don't need f*ck-buddies. You shouldn't even want them. But the construction of that scenario is "if you know from the date itself that you two aren't a good match, try him out anyways" which encourages then sleeping around not even in the pursuit of creating lasting relationships.
Penis Size
The heart of this argument is "your thinking about his penis anyways" and "don't find out you've invested all this time in a little penis". First off, let me simply put it this way, if I reversed this argument about a woman's body, I think the outcry from women would by and large be pretty unanimous. We would say nothing is more chauvinistic and insensitive than to say "gotta see her naked right away so I know if I'm wasting my time going on dates." That pretty much objectifies the other in the relationship. And it suggests that penis size matters most. She gives the example of finding out you forwent hanging out in the Hamptons with your girlfriends only to discover you're dating an uncircumcised guy or some other issue with his penis that you find less appealing. As if the rest of the time spent together is all for nothing when the penis comes out and doesn't meet your standard.
We shouldn't reduce the heart of our encounters down to the shape of a person's body. That is the kind of culture that fuels unhealthy habits and poor self-esteem in this world. It acts like if you fell in love with someone, went on marvelous dates, was well cared for, built up great memories somehow this disappointment would render all that nothing more than a waste of time. A missed opportunity in the Hamptons. For how much people long for true love, if you feel the need to put this first, and judge on that whether or not to proceed, how many good relationships are actually passed up and laid to waste by this theory. Again, doesn't to me seem a philosophy that fosters long lasting relationships. More by the ones it passes up, the things it reduces in meaning than by the value of the act of sleeping together itself.
Oh yeah, another side note, you don't have to sleep together to learn this. If Penis size really mattered that much, it does not mean one has to go all the way to sleeping with them. Your eyes work just fine without direct physical contact. Just saying.
Avoids Awkwardness
How? By having awkward sexual encounter right off the bat! The idea is this: it eliminates sexual tension or the need to pretty oneself up. She writes:
If you bang him on the first date, you don’t really need to worry so much about the impression you’re giving off on the second date – feel free to show up in yoga pants and a tank top because – guess what? He’s already seen you naked!
There are several issues here: the first is it assumes there will be a second date. This whole process from her perspective is weeding out those you find unacceptable. And so here is the real problem, you have to pass the "test" before there is any trust. Trust here is built on passing the "sexually acceptable" test, instead of trust negating the test itself. The blog of mine on not being good enough (linked above) focuses at length at how without trust we don't feel comfortable being who we are. Here the idea is to replace trust with performance. Call me skeptical as to how successful that is. What she never discusses here is also if you don't pass the test. Basing the future of the entire relationship on bodies and sexual performance puts you as much as the man on the line immediately, it makes you have to break the tension by performance instead of love and trust.
Here's the other thing. Like with the last part, it assumes that having sex is necessary to break the cycle of tension. Particularly because she identifies it as sexual tension. But let's examine that. For one, her claim "he's already seen you naked" again does not require sex. But more than that, we shouldn't have to feel afraid to be who we are anyways. The thought that you have to sleep with a man to finally be able to be in yoga pants and a tank top in front of him is appalling. Is there no self confidence to simply do that anyways? The same kind of boldness or self-confidence it takes to sleep together, could simply be applied to how you dress for a date or what you talk about. If you are willing to sleep with the person, you have enough confidence in your body with them to be able to dress that way even if you don't sleep with them. And frankly, if you are afraid of being rejected by how you look, I'd be much more wanting that rejection to come to light because of something I wore, not when I get naked with them and sleep with them.
Investment of time
It is sad that we nickle and dime our time so much that we would cut straight to the intimacy just to see if it is worth going on. As I mentioned before this method may not be a time saver. It's like bargain shopping by driving from store to store to find the best deal, saving $0.30 in the end while spending $15.00 on gas going from store to store. If you are quick to end each relationship, especially on the grounds of a single sexual relationship you may take more time finding that partner. Yes the lay may be better quicker, but how many years alone or with multiple sexual partners did it take to find one because you didn't want to get invested in time and a relationship only to have to start over later because the sex just wasn't good enough?
You may be busy, but your romantic life and possible future family (as a pastor once told a younger me "every date is a potential mate") is worth investing your time. As a pastor one thing we know is this: at the end of life people aren't lamenting that they didn't spend enough time at work or cleaning or internet surfing or whatever else is so busy that it is standing out more than your family and relationships. Those are what people lament. And truth is even though I am happily married, I don't lament my previous serious relationships as a waste of time. The time we had together created many fond memories, strong feelings, and helped form me into the man I am.
My Conclusion
Resist the culture of instant gratification and objectification. If you are apprehensive around a date, or afraid they are, sex is neither the necessary solution or necessarily a successful one. Relationships, even the ones that don't prove to be the one are not a waste of time. And it didn't take sex on the first date to find the one. And what it did take, well that was well worth it.
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