Mailbag: alb stain dilemma

Another fun feature in my blog is my mailbag, where I get to answer questions/issues (real or imaginary) all for the sake of entertainment, and of course my readers' benefit. After all, what I write is on the internet, and is therefore as infallible as the Pope's fat cat Augustine the Hippo. So here is the first installment of the Armchair Mailbag:
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Dear Armchair Theologian,

HELP! I've been trying the Liturgical Weight loss Regiment, which includes jogging in an alb as the extra weight and warmth increases the exercise and perspiration. It really works--5lbs in one week and I can partake in all the communion services I want! But as I was jogging this morning I made a rather high step and snagged the bottom of the alb. Needless to say I went flying--right into the grass. I skinned my leg--dripping blood all on the inside of my Alb and now have an enormously large grass stain going down the front. I can't seem to wash the stains out...WHAT CAN I DO?

In Christ,

Pastor Albert Bleacher

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Dear ALBert,

Ironic first name there chap. But as to your dilemma, there is a quick and easy solution: Do nothing...for now. My friend you suffered this liturgical exercise disaster at the best time of the year to do it; when the liturgical colors match the stain on your alb. Since the season after Pentecost (or if you're lame we'll call it 'ordinary time') utilizes the color green you are in the clear. You might consider falling the other way so your stains form a cross down the middle of your alb. It'll look like Friar Tuck's newest bad idea: crosses smeared in a bad fashion down the middle. The critics will never suspect you and the artsy types will probably offer to buy you the blue set for Advent. Even better, on Reformation Sunday you can turn your robe inside out and use the red blood stains. So you're in no rush. I can hear the panic in your letter (and believe me, it's hard to hear something that is visual, but I can hear it!) but rest assured you have time; time to maybe take your last name seriously--which just might solve the problem. If that does not work, whiteout blessed by a bishop might do the trick.
Kudos by the way on sticking with the Liturgical Weight Loss program. If you stay with that you might avoid this whole issue, because you'll have to get a new, smaller alb anyways.

In the meantime, hold fast to the words of the Prophet Isaiah (1.18):
though your sins are like scarlet,
    they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red like crimson,
    they shall become like wool.

Stay clean in Christ bro,

The Armchair Theologian



If you have a question (serious or otherwise) or dilemma (real or imaginary) for the Armchair Theologian, leave it in the comment section below. It just might be featured in a future post.